My dad died in 2010 and I am still grieving not having him physically in my life. Am I wrong? Should I be doing something different? Should I be over it? Surely, I have moved on by now? These are all questions I have been asked or things that have been told to me in different ways by well-meaning people, including myself. Sometimes people have their own aversion to thinking about death and want you to stop talking about your grief because they can’t handle it. Other times, people want to help but just don’t know how and that makes them uncomfortable. But when death has confronted you in your most intimate of relationships, it isn’t a choice, you are forced to navigate it.
Those of us who are amongst the grievers know this all too well. If you are reading this there is a good chance you are one of us. What follows is for you. Like me, you likely have been confronted about your grief. Told you are doing it wrong in some way. I would like to tell you that your grief journey is unique to you and your relationship with the one who has died is equally unique. I hope you find people that will accompany you on your grief journey. Not everyone will, and to those you can’t or won’t often say hurtful things unintentionally. I want to help give you some examples of how you could respond to their questions or statements.
Before I do that, let’s talk about how long we grieve. My belief is that we grieve for the rest of our lives. But my hope is that the intensity of your grief changes. As you navigate this journey your grief is accompanied more and more by the love and blessings of your relationship. Your grief and love become intermingled and in that the Love and beauty of your time together balances out the pain and loss you feel. There is much more to say about that another time. For now, let’s look at what people may have said and how you could respond. (I will use my example with my dad for the responses below.)
1) You are grieving too long after your loved one’s death!
What I would like to say: “Sure I have known my dad my entire life, all 40 years of it, and you want me to just be ok after 1 year. Someone unfriended you on Facebook and for the next 3 months it’s all I heard about! But my dad died, and I can’t grieve him for even a year before I need to move on!”
What I could say: “My dad has been important to me for my entire life, all 40 years of it. Can you see how it may take a lot of time and hard work to cope with the hole that is left. Imagine if one of the most important people in your life is suddenly gone and you can’t get them back or talk to them ever again? Can you think about all the different ways that can affect you? That is what I am going through, each time I feel like I have made a step forward something else surfaces and I have to face the fact that my dad isn’t here to participate or help me.”
2) You need to get over the death of your dad…
What I would like to say: “I can surely get over my relationship with you!!! But I don’t want to get over my dad, it’s like you are asking me to forget he ever existed!”
What I could say: “I am not trying to get over my dad, that makes it sound like I am trying to forget him. I am trying to figure out how I honor the impact my dad has had and still has in my life while admitting that he isn’t here now. I am finding that hard, but I am making progress.”
3) You shouldn’t be sad; your dad is in a better place.
What I would like to say: “He may be in a better place, but I am stuck here with you trying to figure out life without him. If he were here, he would understand what I am going through and know how to help me.”
What I could say: “Yes, that is true, but I am finding it difficult to fill the hole in my life now that he has died. I’m glad he is in heaven but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard to figure out life on earth without him.”
My Goal was to try to touch on the frustration and sometimes the humor that well-meaning people can bring out in us when they don’t seek to understand our grief. If we can help people understand what is going on within us it may help us stay connected to our support systems. May you find at least one person who is a support and companion on your grief journey. If you are struggling to find someone, we are here to help!